Love note

Write yourself a love note
Tell yourself a lie
Hold within your knowing
You just can't make this right
Hamper potential
Run from the truth
Guard your  heart
Tighten the noose
Passively suffocate
Release reprimand
Holding desperately
A comfortable hand
Peace comes with knowing
The heart likes the lies
Sharpen the blade
Cut all the ties
Run away faster
All hope seems gone
All the while plaster
Ink on paper till dawn
Hurt and shame
Peace and pride
Ego and suffering
Part of the ride
Stifling duality
Internal reform
Showers and sunny days
Part of her storm
Chaos and fury
Feelings scattered
Oblivion in his eyes
Hearts shattered
Uncertainty calamity
Desperation
Clinging
Lost souls delving
Into their being
Foreigners embodied
New skins they don't know
Synchronicity numbers
Universal jokes no?
Take it to heart
Don't take it to your mind.
Don't ask questions
The truth you might find.

Sometimes you spill your heart

It's hard and you are there naked and afraid with your guard down....
The one you intend to notice your entire being typed into words doesn't notice....
So you mop it back up,
You vow not to do that again....
Maybe that's why we are warned to love ourselves so fully......
So it doesn't hurt if we aren't validated the way we want to be.
The way we ache to be....
The way we never were as kids ...
Living in our pain bodies.....
Wandering around loving everyone
Except ourselves....

Yeah that's why.....
It must be.

Shame

Disgraceful, less worthy
Why the facade
The masks have faded
The end of the charade
Broken pieces
Create my own demise
All because in anguish
For years I concealed my cries
Lifetimes of pain now made whole
Life breathed into me
The other half of my soul
Divine intervention
Save me from myself


Love unconditional
Foreign to me
Yearning to be less destructive a force
Committing to actions to mess up again
All the while hurting my lover my best friend
Aching inside but starting new
Keep fighting the battle
Because our love is true
Shame is my bondage
But I'll be set free
Then love will be easier
Unconditionally

Praying

I never knew what it was like to ache to be near someone as much as I do now. 

I need him near me. 

The way he loves me as the complete healed woman I'm becoming. 

In my pain I'm a monster, he doesn't even know that person. 

He holds me as I feel like a frightened child again. 

I relive so much. 

Being vulnerable is hard. 

My heart knows to open..... 

My mind plays out all the pain I've experienced to remind me how scary that place is. 

My mind even creates new scenarios to scare my spirit. 

Oh I've prayed for this 

The other half of me. 

The one I cried for. 

The one who was always with me. 

Please mind.... 

Please let me be. 

Let me love him the way he deserves. 

He's so innocent and beautiful. 

Its almost as if he doesn't belong here. 

On earth. 

The world and life have been cruel to him. 

I just want to be his refuge. 

Please God help me.

Oh God please quiet my mind. 

My heart knows what to do.

The warrior.

He's a warrior in a battle of wills. To save my heart from my head.

To show my spirit truth. 

To help me see what real love and vulnerability is. 

I'm so afraid of pain. 

Anytime I have a little pain or the slightest ripple in my little part of the ocean, I flail helplessly like I'll drown. 

The small waves feel huge and I can barely breathe. 

I'm afraid I'll get hurt.  I'll drown. 

He holds me up out of the water he saves me from my own chaotic storm. 

He is my refuge. 

Even as his lungs fill with the salty ocean water created by my hurricane, he holds me up. 

I want to be trusting loving vulnerable.... 

I want to dance the easy dance that my heart aches for, I hurt because I'm hurt. 

I prayed for this love only to destroy it. 

I have before me the most beautiful human the one who is my literal other half. 

He's the warrior battling on. Championing against my demons. As he defeats one another arises. As a wall crumbles he finds yet another but he keeps fighting valiantly. Never losing the spirit of a true fighter. 

He fights even in his sleep. 

As I lay beside him I feel his body move there is a peace there yet an unrest all the same. He's fighting for me. For my heart. The heart and spirit he knows is there. 

He never gives in......